No One Can See Your Tears Underwater

A diver in clear blue water surrounded by a school of fish — A diver surrounded by fish. Photo: Unsplash.

Can you learn to freedive when deep water scares you? In my experience, yes: slowly, with a good instructor, and by letting the fear come along instead of fighting it. Stepping outside your comfort zone brings a very particular mix of feelings. Excitement and fear, at the same time. When I decided to learn to freedive, I felt both. The ocean had always pulled me in, but it also felt intimidating: the idea of going under, where the light fades and everything becomes a little more unknown.

Sometimes the unknown calls quietly. Not because we feel ready, but because something in us is curious enough to go and find out.

Trust matters in these moments. Trusting yourself, trusting the process, trusting that you can adapt even when you cannot control everything. The ocean reflects that back perfectly. You cannot control it. You can only learn how to move with it. Standing on the edge of the boat for the first time, my heart was beating faster than usual. I was very aware of the depth below, and of how different this was from anything I knew. The fear was there, but so was the wanting.

Growth usually starts exactly in that space between the two.

Getting to the Perhentian Islands

The trip started with a flight to Malaysia, then onwards to the Perhentian Islands, off the coast of Terengganu. I packed one 15kg backpack and nothing more, with a quick-dry towel and a well-used journal among the basics. Travelling light already made life simpler. Sometimes carrying less on your back also means carrying less in your head. If you travel this way too, a simple tropical travel kit with packing cubes and a refillable bottle keeps one bag organised.

Kuala Lumpur felt intense when I arrived: movement, languages, smells, everything happening at once. From there it was a short domestic flight to Kota Bharu, the closest airport, a road transfer to the jetty at Kuala Besut, and then a speedboat over to the island. The change was sudden. The water turned clear, the beaches were almost empty, and on the islands you get around by walking the jungle tracks between beaches or by water taxi.

As the boat pulled in, the colours softened: white sand, green palms, turquoise water. Everything felt calmer straight away. On a small boat like that, a roll-top dry bag is the easy way to keep your phone and passport safe from spray.

Island life makes space to breathe

With no traffic and nowhere to rush to, walking became the only way to get around, and time stopped feeling so structured. The rhythm came from the waves and the wind in the palms, not from a schedule.

That kind of quiet gives you space to really notice things, including how much noise you had been carrying without realising it. It turned out to be exactly the right preparation for going into the water.

A marine park, not just a beach: the conservation side

The Perhentians sit inside one of Malaysia's protected marine parks. Visitors pay a marine park conservation fee at the Kuala Besut jetty, and the money goes to the Marine Parks and Marine Reserves Trust Fund, which helps manage and maintain the parks. The amounts have changed over the years and travel guides quote different figures, so check the current fee with the Department of Fisheries or at the jetty before you travel.

A fee does not protect a reef by itself, of course. What protects it is how each of us behaves in the water: no standing on coral, no touching or feeding anything, a respectful distance from turtles and sharks, and choosing operators who explain this clearly. In a place where many people learn to snorkel and dive, small habits add up. A long-sleeve rash guard also means less sunscreen washing off your skin into shallow water.

And travel has a cost too. Flights, boat transfers and fuel are part of how we reach places like this. I do not think the answer is to stop going. I think it is to go slower, stay longer, and respect the place while we are there.

Starting the course with curiosity

I signed up for the freediving course without doing much research first. I did not want to build expectations from what I read online. I was simply curious about marine life, about sharks and whales and how a reef really works, and I trusted that curiosity was reason enough to begin.

This is where a good instructor matters. Alongside the breathing techniques, the equalising and the safety rules, there was a real focus on respect for what lives underwater. Being there is not about performing or collecting sightings. It is about remembering you are a guest in a place that works perfectly well without you. That is the same standard we hold today with the local experts we work with on Ocean Calling trips: a trained buddy, a calm pace, and never chasing or touching what you find down there. If you want the technical side, we explain the basics in freediving equalization techniques.

The first descent

The first dive was emotionally intense. Standing on the boat beforehand, I could feel the hesitation, my mind trying to imagine something it could not understand until I was inside it.

Going under changed everything. Sound softened. Movement slowed. My body felt lighter, almost held. And in that quiet, feelings I had not expected simply arrived.

Underwater, no one can see your tears.

There is something comforting in that. The ocean does not ask you to explain yourself. No need to look strong, no need to justify what you feel, no need to control it.

Connection with marine life

Being near marine life in its own home changes your sense of scale. The movement, the calm, the total lack of hurry: none of it looks like anything in our human world. Marine life is not performing for you. It is simply living. Watching that can be quietly grounding, though a good sighting is never something anyone can promise. It is a privilege when it happens, not something you are owed.

Without the usual noise, your own thoughts get louder too. But instead of feeling overwhelming, that tends to feel clear. A reminder that you are part of something much bigger than your daily worries.

Is it too late to learn to freedive as an adult?

Each dive was as much an emotional process as a technical one. My breathing steadied. Moving felt more natural. The first tension eased, little by little, never all at once.

I started later than most people think is "normal" for this, and if anything it helped. Less need to prove anything, more willingness to listen to my body and let the learning take the time it needed. If you are wondering whether age is really the obstacle people think it is, I wrote more about it in is 30 too old to start freediving. Short version: no, it usually is not.

Freediving does not reward force. It rewards calm, awareness and presence, whatever age you start at.

The ocean does not ask you to be fearless. It asks you to be present. Sometimes that is enough. And sometimes just knowing that no one can see your tears underwater is what makes the first step feel possible at all. If this made you curious about experiencing it yourself, you can explore our retreats.

How do you get to the Perhentian Islands?

The islands have no airport. The usual route is a flight to Kota Bharu, a road transfer to the jetty at Kuala Besut, and a boat to the islands. Boats do not stop at every beach, so know where you are staying.

Do you pay a fee to visit the Perhentian marine park?

Yes. A marine park conservation fee is collected at the Kuala Besut jetty and goes to the Marine Parks and Marine Reserves Trust Fund. Amounts quoted online differ, so check the current fee before you travel.

How do you get around the islands?

On foot along the jungle tracks between beaches, or by water taxi.

Can you learn to freedive if you are afraid of deep water?

Many people start with that fear. A calm instructor, a buddy, a slow progression in shallow water and permission to stop at any time make a big difference. Fear is not a reason to rush, only a reason to go slowly.

Is it too late to start freediving after 30?

Usually not. Calm and technique matter more than age. Our article on freediving over 30 goes into more detail, and a medical check is always wise if you have any health questions.

Wildlife encounters are never guaranteed and never forced. Ocean Calling works only with vetted, ethical local operators, and every animal is free to approach, or not, entirely on its own terms.

Sources & further reading

Further reading on Ocean Calling: More from the journal · Wildlife & the law · See the retreats · Ocean Atlas