Grief, the ocean, and the rituals we bring to water

Why grief so often finds its way to the sea

Why do so many grieving people end up at the sea? Ask around and you hear the same small stories in different languages. An ocean grief ritual rarely looks the way people expect before they have done one. It is usually not dramatic. It is quiet and specific.

The short answer is that water seems to offer space without asking anything back. And grief researchers now describe mourning less as letting go and more as finding a new way to stay connected. A ritual at the water can be one way of doing that.

This article is not advice on how to grieve. It is a gentle look at what research says about water and well-being, why rituals matter, and the practical rules if you are thinking about scattering ashes at sea.

Why water, specifically?

There is a real, still growing body of research on why "blue space" (rivers, lakes, coastline, open water) seems to affect how people feel. A large study published in Scientific Reports in 2021 used a survey of 16,307 people in 18 countries. People who had visited green spaces, inland water or the coast more often in the previous four weeks reported higher well-being and less mental distress.

The same study is honest about its limits, and so should we be. It is cross-sectional, so it shows associations, not cause and effect. The results for blue spaces varied more between countries and seasons than those for green spaces, and visits to inland water were even linked with a higher chance of using anxiety medication. Living near the coast mattered much less once the researchers accounted for how often people actually went. In other words, it is the visit, the time spent there, that seems to count. And water is not a treatment.

Researchers do not fully agree on why. Possible reasons include fewer things competing for your attention, the rhythm of moving water, and simply having a good reason to slow down. We wrote more about this in the science of Blue Mind.

Continuing bonds: grief as a relationship that changes

None of that research explains why grief in particular goes to water, and not to a forest or a mountain. My own guess is that it is less about the water and more about what it does not do. It does not rush you. It does not ask you to explain yourself. It keeps moving, whatever you bring to it.

Grief researchers describe something similar happening inside us. For much of the twentieth century, the main idea was that healthy grieving meant cutting your bonds with the person who died. In 1996, Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman edited a book called Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. It brought together studies and clinical observations of widows and widowers, bereaved children, parents and siblings, and argued that the "letting go" model rested more on cultural assumptions than on what people actually do. Many survivors find a place for the dead in their ongoing lives, and this is not denial. The idea of continuing bonds has since become widely accepted in grief counselling.

Seen this way, a ritual at the water, a swim, a letter, a name said out loud to the horizon, is less a goodbye than a way of keeping the relationship somewhere it can still live.

The rituals people bring to the water

There is no single script, and I would be careful with anyone offering one. Across cultures, people do very different things. A swim out to a certain point and back, as a physical marker for a conversation they need to have alone. Flowers or petals given to a current. A letter written, read once, and kept. A photo taken at one spot and never shown to anyone. A birthday marked at the sea instead of at home.

None of these are instructions. When a ritual helps, it usually helps because it is personal and chosen, not because it follows a format. Some people need company for it. Many need to be alone. Both are fine.

One small practical note, because these moments deserve not to be interrupted by worry about your things: a roll-top dry bag keeps a letter, a photo or a phone dry on a boat or a wet beach. And if you swim at a quiet hour, a rash guard gives you some warmth and sun protection without fuss.

Is it legal to scatter ashes at sea?

It comes up often enough to say it plainly. In the United States, burial at sea is covered by a general permit under federal regulation (40 CFR 229.1, administered by the Environmental Protection Agency). Cremated remains may be placed in or on ocean waters of any depth, as long as this happens at least three nautical miles from land. Whole-body burials have extra depth and location rules. No application is needed in advance, but the EPA asks that the burial be reported within 30 days, which it now handles through an online reporting tool.

The EPA's guidance also says that non-decomposable materials, such as plastic flowers, wreaths or urns that will not break down, are not allowed, while decomposable flowers and wreaths are. That is good news for anyone who wants flowers to be part of the moment, and a good rule for the sea.

Rules outside the US vary a lot by country, and sometimes by region or port. If you are planning this around a trip, confirm the local rules with the authorities or the boat operator well before the day, and check again before you travel. Not because the ritual matters less than the paperwork, but because paperwork done in advance is what lets the moment itself stay undisturbed.

Leaving only flowers

The ocean holds a lot for us. It is fair to ask it to hold nothing harmful. Balloons, glitter, plastic-wrapped bouquets, candles in plastic cups and "sky lanterns" all end up somewhere, and litter in the sea can harm the animals that live there (we wrote about how plastic affects marine life). If you bring something to the water, choose things that disappear: petals, untreated flowers, words.

Be aware of the place too. A beach can be a nesting site, a reef can sit just below the surface, and a public shore belongs to other people's days as well. Choose a time and a spot where your ritual does not disturb wildlife or put you at risk. Avoid strong currents, swim within your limits, and tell someone where you are if you go alone. Grief can make us less careful than usual, and the sea does not adjust for that.

What this is not

This is not advice about how to grieve, and it is not a claim that a boat day or a swim resolves anything on its own. Grief rarely works that cleanly, and anyone living through something acute or complicated deserves the support of a grief counsellor or therapist, not a travel article. What water seems to offer, at most, is a place big enough, and indifferent enough, to hold something that does not fit anywhere smaller.

On our retreats we do not build a programme around grief, and we never ask what people carry. We simply leave enough unstructured time near the sea that, if someone needs it, the room is there, and every activity is optional. Our piece on why ocean experiences can feel grounding goes a little deeper into that feeling.

If you would like to spend some quiet time by the sea, you can look at our small-group retreats, whenever you are ready.

Questions people ask

Is it legal to scatter ashes at sea?

In the United States, yes, under an EPA general permit (40 CFR 229.1). Cremated remains may be placed in ocean waters of any depth, at least three nautical miles from land, and the burial should be reported to the EPA within 30 days. Other countries have their own rules, so check locally before you travel.

Can I put flowers in the sea with the ashes?

Under the US EPA guidance, decomposable flowers and wreaths are allowed, while non-decomposable items such as plastic flowers or urns that do not break down are not.

Does being near water really help with grief?

Research shows associations between visiting green and blue spaces and better well-being, for example in a 2021 study of more than 16,000 people in 18 countries. It does not prove cause and effect, and it is not a treatment for grief.

What are "continuing bonds"?

It is an idea from a 1996 book edited by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman: healthy grief does not require cutting ties with the person who died, and many people keep a changed, ongoing bond with them.

Do Ocean Calling retreats include grief rituals?

No, we do not run grief programmes. Our retreats leave unstructured time near the sea and every activity is optional, so guests can use that time however they need. For acute or complicated grief, please speak with a grief counsellor or therapist.

Wildlife encounters are never guaranteed and never forced. Ocean Calling works only with vetted, ethical local operators, and every animal is free to approach, or not, entirely on its own terms.

Sources & further reading

1. 40 CFR 229.1, Burial at sea. Legal Information Institute, Cornell Law School (US Code of Federal Regulations), accessed 2026.
2. Burial at Sea. US Environmental Protection Agency (archived page), 2021.
3. White et al. Associations between green/blue spaces and mental health across 18 countries. Scientific Reports 11. Nature Portfolio, 2021.
4. Klass, Silverman and Nickman (eds.). Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Taylor & Francis / Routledge, 1996.

Further reading on Ocean Calling: More from the journal · Wildlife & the law · See the retreats · Ocean Atlas